It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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