So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
