I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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