Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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