Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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