Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
