Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
