Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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