the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
