Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
