I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
There are leaves in my underwear?
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