I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
