I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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