I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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