I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
