i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
