This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
