Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital

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(518): View more from New York

I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes

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(925): View more from California

I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants

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