2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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