My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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