please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
