Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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