i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
