I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
