I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
