Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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