Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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