i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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