And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We named our party play list daddy issues
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
