quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
