Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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