So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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