this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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