im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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