3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
