I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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