i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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