So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
