my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
