Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
