but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
