4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
