Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The power of my boobs compel you
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
