Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
