She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
