What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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