Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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