Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
