Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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