Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
