not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
