I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
