The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
