I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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