in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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