She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
