i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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