he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
