remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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