she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
