only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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